


You Are My Life

by jung_eunkyung



Series: Love, The Elixir of Life: Hyunwoo and Kihyun Throughout the Years [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Death, Religious Conflict, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 01:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12024990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jung_eunkyung/pseuds/jung_eunkyung
Summary: "Everyone always told me to never make a home out of you. It wasn’t until I watched you burn to the ground that I understood why." — 	eyesceverything





	You Are My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Grenfell Tower fire incident back in June. I just thought how the victims, who were mostly the poor/immigrants went through so much, only to lose this as well, and I wanted to capture such suffering in my own words. Posting it only now is a result of my procrastination. Content includes religious themes and issues, so please read with an open mind or don't read at all. Also, I am no Christian nor am I a Londoner so the accuracy and realistic-ness of this story may vary. I never, never like putting my idols in angst, it pains me to do so, but the moment I saw this on the news I just had to write it, and the Kihyun I envision in my brain was perfect for it. Hopefully I never torture them again. I most possibly will revamp it.
> 
> Edit 12/10/17: I added a little more. I'm not sure whether this is all I have to edit, I suppose that's one of the cons of writing by the seat of my pants lol. I had a few scenes from their past to include, but when I actually sit to write I just don't know to how to fit it in. So, we'll see. But for now this is what I have.
> 
> As much as Kudos is welcomed, constructive criticism is a lot more appreciated. Enjoy!

When Kihyun first heard the news, he was buried in work and hadn't registered the voice of the newscaster beyond the words _fire_ and _London_. Which was why, when he'd received a frantic phone call from Hyunwoo's mother half an hour later, his heart had leapt in his throat and he was rendered speechless. According to her, Hyunwoo wasn't picking up, but she was glad Kihyun was. When he'd explained to her that no, he was outstation for the week on business and so Hyunwoo was the only one currently at their shared apartment, she'd gone into hysterics and if Kihyun was being honest with himself, he was about to do the same. But someone had to remain calm and figure everything out, so he'd taken a deep breath and told her that he would call her back after getting a hold of the situation. _Hyunwoo will be fine_ , he said.

If only he could tell himself that.

 

 

Kihyun's first thought was to call Hyunwoo, even though his mother had said the man had failed to pick up even once the multiple times she tried to reach him. As expected, his call went to voicemail, and he ran a hand through his hair, gripping at the locks in frustration. He needed to get in touch with Hyunwoo somehow, needed to know he was okay, needed to know he was ali-

 _Hyunwoo is fine, don't you dare think otherwise, Yoo Kihyun_ , he thought, steeling himself and blinking away the moisture that gathered at the corner of his eyes. He had to leave, had to go back home to Hyunwoo because even if **_he_** was fine, that didn't mean their house would be too. _God, what a mess._

While throwing his clothes haphazardly into the tiny suitcase he'd brought with him and running down to the hotel lobby for his cab to the airport, Kihyun dialed the next people he could think of. His neighbour, sweet old Mrs. Toms, who'd been the first one to welcome him and Hyunwoo when they'd moved in with a plate of cookies and an invite into her home anytime they needed something.

_Sorry, the number you have dialed is unavailable._

It was then Kihyun had started breathing harshly, hot tears tolling fast and hard down his cheeks. His hands shook, and his mind conjured up a hundred different possibilities, a hundred different scenarios, none of them good.

Who else was he going to call, they didn't have anyone else here close enough- _Hyungwon_ , he thought, hands gripping his cellphone too tightly as he looked up his number on his list of contacts. Hyungwon was one of Hyunwoo's colleagues, who'd just moved from Korea a few months ago and had quickly become good friends with them, along with his boyfriend Minhyuk.

"Kihyun-ah, I was just going to call you! Minhyuk and I are here, we're-," Hyungwon started.

"Hyungwon-ah," he interrupted, forcing himself to take deep breaths. "Hyungwon-ah, where is Hyunwoo?" The silence on the other end was almost deafening.

"Hungwon-ah," Kihyun repeated, voice growing louder out of desperation. "Where is-"

"Hyunwoo-hyung was spending the night with us, has been since you left, Kihyun-ah. He said the apartment was too quiet without you, and we didn't mind." Kihyun shakily let out a sigh in relief as Hyungwon continued. "We came as soon as the fire began to spread and one of your neighbours called Hyunwoo-hyung. But, Kihyun-ah..." Hyungwon trailed off, voice hesitant and taking on a new tone, almost as if begging.

"Hyunwoo-hyung went into the building to help, and we haven't seen him since."

 

 

Kihyun took a seat in the departure lounge of the airport, glancing anxiously at his watch every few seconds. His flight was due to leave in half an hour, all thanks to his understanding boss. He'd have to properly thank her later. _With Hyunwoo_ , he thought _Hyunwoo and I will have to thank her together later_. He seemed to be doing this a lot, reminding himself that Hyunwoo was safe and wouldn’t let anything happen to himself.

He had promised, after all.

 

_"Kihyun-ah... please don't cry." Said man only sobbed softly in response, soaking Hyunwoo's shirt._

_"How could he, hyung, he’s my father! He is supposed to b-be supportive of me, I d-didn't do anything wrong! Loving you isn't wrong." Kihyun had said, stuttering through his tears._

_"Look, do you... do you want us to take a break?" At Kihyun's shocked silence Hyunwoo had hastened to explain. "You're in your final year of university Kihyunnie, this is important. You can't afford distractions, be it directly or indirectly from our relationship. Besides, I just got this job, I'm going to have to work hard now to keep it and go up, and you know that. We won’t have as much time for each other anymore, at least for now. I'm not saying we need to break up, I just-" Hyunwoo faltered, then held Kihyun’s hands tightly. "This is a promise, okay? When we're both successful, and we've gotten our parents' blessings, we'll get back together. I’ll wait for you, I promise."_

 

That didn’t really work out, because a month later Hyunwoo had burst into his university dorm in tears, Kihyun not faring any better. He could manage without his parents, but he was lost and painfully lonely without Hyunwoo.

And they'd only just moved to London from Seoul about a year and a half ago, because Hyunwoo had gotten a better job offer. Kihyun had followed him in a heartbeat, because Western countries were a lot more accepting of gay couples, and acceptance was all he longed for since his family's outright rejection of his sexuality and his relationship with Hyunwoo. Here, he could go on dates in public with Hyunwoo, and the worst reactions they would get were judging eyes, if they were unlucky.

Tears began to fall as he remembered Hyunwoo's promise that day. His parents had called last month after two and a half years of silence, and while they hadn’t apologised, they clearly missed him and wanted him back. He had just told Hyunwoo that he was going to visit as soon as he got the time, and now this had happened and Hyunwoo- God, as much as he hated to admit it, the possibility that Hyunwoo was dead was getting bigger by the second, and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

 

It was horrendous. From afar it had looked like someone threw a large bucket of black paint over the building, but as the taxi drew closer Kihyun could really see the damage. The walls were charred and looked like they were cracking into pieces or peeling off. Where the windows stood the glass had been blown out of their frames and some of them totally out of their ledges, leaving empty slots in their wake.  If this was the condition of the outside of the building, Kihyun couldn’t imagine the inside.

“Kihyun!,” Kihyun heard the familiar voice greet him as he paid the taxi driver. He turned to greet the owner of the voice. “Hey, Minhyuk-ah,” he started, smiling weakly as Minhyuk launched himself onto Kihyun and hugged him. Kihyun’s vision was yet again blurred by unshed tears threatening to spill. Minhyuk was warm and taller than himself, and he reminded Kihyun of Hyunwoo, of their nights cuddling in bed as they both got much needed rest and intimacy their jobs seemed to take away from them.

Kihyun looked over Minhyuk’s shoulder to meet Hyungwon’s eyes. Hyungwon was passive as ever, eyes the only giveaway of what he wanted to convey, and right now, Kihyun could tell exactly what is was Hyungwon wanted to say: _I’m sorry, be strong._ That made Kihyun feel worse, and he buried his head into Minhyuk’s shoulder, trying his hardest to stop his tears and if either of them noticed, they didn’t say anything.

 

 

“What am I going to do?,” Kihyun asked, staring at Minhyuk and Hyungwon. At this moment he’d never felt so out of his element, not even when he first came to London equipped with only his shitty, heavily-accented English. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, where he supposed to go. He had so many questions, but he only wanted answers to one: _What happened to Hyunwoo?_

“First of all, it’s what _we’re_ going to do- no, shut up, don’t interrupt me,” Minhyuk said, cutting Kihyun off when he opened his mouth. “You guys are basically family and you’d do the same for us, plus Hyunwoo-hyung’s boss basically told Hyungwonnie to not come back to work until he makes sure everything for Hyunwoo-hyung and you is sorted out, bless that man he deserves an award,” Minhyuk gushed. Kihyun smiled, _trust Minhyuk to be lively even through this shit._

“Anyway, we already spoke to the police, but there’s too many people to be accounted for so they won’t be able to tell us anything anytime soon, it’ll take days if not weeks,” Hyungwon said. “Our best shot is to look for Hyunwoo-hyung in the hospitals around here, where all the other people who got out were admitted.”

“That is, _if_ Hyunwoo got out, right?,” Kihyun whispered. “What if-“

“Kihyun-ah. Nothing would have happened to Hyunwoo-hyung. My instincts are telling that he’s fine even though we don’t know where he is right now, and I trust my instincts. Worrying isn’t going to help anything, let’s just be positive.” Hyungwon said, placing his hand on Kihyun’s shoulder.

Kihyun kept his head down, letting his thoughts take over. _Hyungwon is right. If Hyunwoo really was dead, I would know, deep down I would already know, and I would have gone beserk. The reason I’m still level-headed is because… Hyunwoo is still alive. Hyunwoo is alive, and I’ll find him, no matter where he is._

 

 

They start looking immediately, deciding that splitting up was the best thing to do. Things were hectic; from what they could gather, casualties had been admitted to five different hospitals all around the area, all almost around an hour away by train, but that wasn’t really the problem – an unexpected mishap like this left everyone reeling, with people not knowing who was in there, who got out, who was stuck, who was still alive, what to do, where to go. It was a race against time – literally in the sense that there may have been people who were at death’s door, and figuratively that frantic people were distraught and almost losing their minds demanding answers about their loved ones.

Those in the hospitals were another matter entirely. In the midst of treating injuries and ailments, these were victims of an unfortunate tragedy that no one saw coming; caught in the crossfire of their pain from physical injuries and distress from mental ones. And this was just those who suffered minor wounds, what to speak of those who were burdened with major, serious ones? And there were just ** _so many of them._** Going through them was going to take time, and time was not something Kihyun could just bide.

 

 

Kihyun jerked awake just as the train came to a stop at his station. He was tired; so, so tired. Minhyuk and Hyungwon had agreed to meet him at sunset by the tower, and he’d barely covered one hospital in that time. It seemed strange that it’s only been barely twenty-four hours since he’s been thrown into this mess, yet he felt so drained he could’ve sworn it had been weeks. Getting off the train, he trudged in the direction of the blackened building. He had never felt so lost in his life, not even the time he decided to cut ties with his family once and for all.

Just then it had started to pour, and Kihyun instinctively ran into the nearest building to take shelter. It never really rained heavily in London, but he didn’t fancy walking around in damp clothes, especially now that he had no home to return to for a good shower and a fresh change of clothes. Looking around, Kihyun realized he was the church nearby the tower. The doors were wide open, but there was not a soul inside.

 _That’s odd,_ he thought. _Aren’t churches usually the first to open their doors during an emergency?_ Shrugging, he walked in, looking around. This church reminded him so much of the one back in Korea, from the style of the stained glass right up to the altar in front, which had a large yet simple carving of Jesus being crucified on the cross hung in the middle. Studying it and the surroundings of the church, he realized just how long it had been since he’s been in one. _The last time…_ he thought, mind wandering, _The last time I went to church…_

_Kihyun slammed the car door shut and turned towards the building, huffing angrily and crossing the threshold. There wasn’t anyone in the church at this time of the day, which was exactly what he needed. Stalking to the front of the altar, he lit a candle, then went back and got on his knees, bending his head and folding his hands together in prayer._

_Our Father,_  
_Who art in heaven,_  
_hallowed be Thy name;_  
_Thy kingdom come;_  
_Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven._  
_Give us this day our daily bread;_  
_and forgive us our trespasses_  
_as we forgive those who trespass against us;_  
_and lead us not into temptation,_  
_but deliver us from evil._  
_For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever._  
Amen.

_A slight rustle of fabric reached his ears, and Kihyun opened his eyes, looking around for the source of the sound. He could see no one around him, but another rustle brought his ears towards the right end of the altar – the confessional. He checked his watch. 4:15 p.m. He blinked, recalling that his church had walk-in confession sessions once a week at this time. Unthinkingly, Kihyun walked towards the confessional, and entered the box. He could barely see the person on the other side, but years of attending mass and being good friends with all the priests had its advantages._

_“Hello, Father Thomas,” he murmured quietly._

_“Kihyun? Why are you here?,” Kihyun would have laughed at the shock in Father Thomas’ voice._

_“Why else would anyone enter the confessional, Father? To confess,” he replied._

_“I know that,” Father Thomas answered, impatience evident in his voice. That was one thing Kihyun liked about the man. He was direct, whether or not it was befitting. Much like himself, the man preferred brutal honesty to courtesy and compliments for the mere sake of it. “You’ve been coming to this church for years, and you’ve never once stepped into the confession box. I don’t think you’ve even seen the inside of it before,” he said, bewildered._

_He continued, “I asked you once, and you said your faith was much stronger than your ability to sin, and that even if you did sin, it would never cloud your love for our Lord and that He would take care of it. So what’s gotten into you? What happened?”_

_Kihyun took a deep breath. Telling people was never easy, no matter how many times he’d done it._

_“I have a boyfriend, Father Thomas.”_

_“So?”_

_“Kihyun peered in the tiny holes. “I just said I have a boyfriend, Father.”_

_“I’m not deaf, I heard you,” he replied irritably._

_Now it was Kihyun’s turn to get annoyed. “Aren’t you going to tell me it’s wrong? Quote the Book of Levicitus, Chapter Eighteen, Verse 22? Ask me to get myself cleansed and come back to the right path?,” he asked defensively._

_Father Thomas remained silent for the longest time. Then, in an infuriated yet quiet tone of voice (which, quite frankly, had scared Kihyun – Father Thomas had a short fuse, but he was never truly angry with anyone.), Father Thomas said “Well, go on then. Confess.”_

_Kihyun wanted to back out, the atmosphere was suddenly so stifling with Father Thomas’ silent rage, but then thought better to get on with it rather than risk Father Thomas’ wrath any more. Breathing in, he kneeled, crossing himself and closing his eyes._

_“Forgive me Father, for I have-“ Kihyun stopped short. Father Thomas remained silent._

_“Forgive me Father, for I have- I have-,” Kihyun tried to get the words out, but found them unable to leave his mouth. Suddenly a thought popped into his head. Was he really sinning? Was what he had with Hyunwoo really wrong? Did he deserve to confess and be cleansed?_

_In a second, Kihyun had his answer. He steeled himself and looked straight at Father Thomas. “Forgive me Father, but I have **not** sinned. I love a man, his name is Hyunwoo, although I think you know this. Our Father in Heaven, you know it all. There is nothing you do not know. So you will also know that Hyunwoo is a good man. He has a pure heart and good intentions, and in a world like this I think that makes him a gem, regardless of his gender.”_

_“The words of the Bible are your words, o Almighty Lord, and you say it is wrong to lie with a man as one would lie with a woman. Yet here I have been deemed a great sinner by those around me, when I can testify that they have done so many more things for the worse. They call people like me a disease, condemn us to hell yet we do nothing that brings harm to anyone, whereas these same so-called righteous people feed their souls with the seven deadly sins, harming not just themselves but those around them! Are you telling me that I do not have a place in Your kingdom, yet these people do?”_

_“I don’t want to go into specifics, because I have no right to judge them and their actions, just like I believe they have no right to judge me and my actions. Nor do I accuse you of being anything other than benevolent and merciful, for you have been there to guide me countless times in my life. But, I think love conquers all, and even if it is wrong to love a man, I think it’s worth going to hell for a man who is good in every aspect. I’m sorry if I have disappointed You as one of Your ever filial children, but I’m not sorry for loving him. You know best whether to approve – but, if otherwise, I shall not follow the Faith after this. I do not wish to sully your name, Father, if you do not accept me. Above all, I still love and respect You.”_

_Kihyun waited for Father Thomas to reply him, breath bated._

_After what felt like an eternity, Father Thomas opened his mouth. “You have no need for forgiveness, child, much less penance and absolution. Go in peace.”_

_“But, Father!” Kihyun protested._

_“What do you wish for me to say, my child? Do you wish for me to prescribe you an exorcism to cleanse you of the demons that have given you sinful thought towards another male? If that were the case, I would have to do so to every other male your age, who share such thoughts towards females before marriage, only thinking about their sexual gratification. Would you prefer if I were to ask you to stop seeing him, when you say he has made you a better man? Would it be right of me to cage you within the walls of my word and my faith, when you and I both know it will only make you despair of my mercy all the more?”_

_“I will not say loving a man is right, nor will I condemn such an act, but I will say that you are clear in mind and soul, justifying yourself and your actions based on the Bible and the example of others. Furthermore, you have no need of forgiveness when even you claim to not be sorry for it.”_

_“In other words, Kihyun,” Father Thomas said in his usual sardonic voice, “Whatever you do is your choice, because you have good judgement of right and wrong. After all, it is you who will deal with it when you die, not me, not your parents, and definitely not that Hyunwoo kid.”_

_Kihyun opens his mouth but doesn’t find anything to say._

_Suddenly, Father Thomas breaks into a small smile. “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.”_

_Kihyun smiles back. “For His mercy endures for ever._

_“Oh, Kihyun?,” Father Thomas calls, just as Kihyun is about to step out of the confessional. He turns back._

_“Confession usually takes five to ten minutes. Anything longer is counseling. I’ll see you on Sunday, Kihyun. And bring that boy too.”_

 

Kihyun doesn’t go that Sunday. The very next day after his incident at the confessional, he has the biggest arguments with his parents. It ends with him packing his belongings at home and leaving. He doesn’t see, speak or hear from them after that. He refuses to go to church, or even touch his Bible after that, because it reminds him of his parents, and his “abandonment of the Faith” as they put it. Hyunwoo tries his hardest, even willingly going to church himself, but Kihyun doesn’t budge.

Looking back, Kihyun thinks he’s been doing well without acknowledging God. He’s managed, at least. But before, he had Hyunwoo. Now, though, he’s willing to beg if it meant Hyunwoo would return. Hyunwoo was his rock when he stopped making God the center his life. Now that he’s not here, what else was going to ground him? Where was he going to go?

Slowly, as if trying to remember what to do, Kihyun goes towards the candles and lights one up. Then he moves back, in between the aisles and kneels, crossing himself. He stares at the Deity in front of him, bringing his hands together and slowly recites:

“Our Father,  
Who art in heaven,  
hallowed be Thy name;  
Thy kingdom come;  
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  
Give us this day our daily bread;  
and forgive us our trespasses  
as we forgive those who trespass against us;  
and lead us not into temptation,  
but deliver us from evil.  
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.  
Amen.”

He closes his eyes. “Please,” he whispers. “Please give me my Hyunwoo back.” _I’m so, so lost without him, and so very painfully lonely._

Two more days pass, and Kihyun feels his resolve break even more. In that time they’d managed to cover all the hospitals, and briefly check them once more. Minhyuk and Hyungwon comforted him the best they could, but he’s not an idiot; if Hyunwoo hadn’t made it out, he was stuck in the ruins of the building, either dead or on his way there. Even Hyunwoo’s mother told him to come back to Korea, stating that her door and arms were always open for him no matter what. Even his family had pleaded for him to return, but Kihyun just _couldn’t._ He’d had so many dreams with Hyunwoo, and they were so close, so damn close to making them a reality, and to just have Hyunwoo snatched away from him… it was just too cruel. So he swallows his fears and goes back to check for Hyunwoo again.

During his search, he comes across other people –mothers who’ve lost their sons, husbands who try their best to get past authorities to look for their missing wives themselves, children who don’t know the fate of their parents. Kihyun realizes that most of them aren’t local – they come from all over the world in search of peace, and freedom, and most of all, happiness – much like himself and Hyunwoo. Amongst the former residents are war refugees, families who have nothing in their home country anymore and people who want to build better lives for their children and their children’s children.

Kihyun is an aloof person by nature – he never really connects with people, despite being easygoing and charming. However, seeing people being ripped apart from everything they strived to build – everything they’ve known, really – and understanding the pain of it, Kihyun can’t help but despair for them too. Even then though, he thinks of Hyunwoo and how his presence alone would bring Kihyun comfort. Kihyun tries not to cry.

 

A few days later, his phone rings. It’s an unknown number.

“ ** _Kihyun._** ” Kihyun’s eyes widened, turning glassy as he cupped a palm over his mouth in an effort to stop himself from crying out. It sounded raspy and strained, so different than what Kihyun was used to hearing all these years being with Hyunwoo, but he would recognize that gruff, affectionate tone anywhere.

“Kihyun.” Kihyun wanted to answer him, wanted to open his mouth and tell him just how grateful he was that Hyunwoo was still alive and hadn’t left him, curse the man for putting him through so much, or at least how much he loved and treasured him, but he couldn’t seem to even clear his throat or his tears. Hyungwon grabs the phone, and Kihyun barely registers his concerned yet relieved shouts over the heavy thing lodged in his throat and the fact that Hyunwoo was alive; he was alive, and he was okay.

After that, everything is just a blur, and he doesn’t realize until someone pushes him forward and he looks ahead - and Hyunwoo is there, smiling at him weakly through the oxygen mask, and he tries to smile back, but he can’t, the past few days were nothing but trying and Hyunwoo was just lying there looking so pitiful Kihyun just wants to wrap his arms around his large frame and make everything normal again.

Hyunwoo tries to bring his hand up a little, and Kihyun launches himself to the ground by his side, encasing Hyunwoo’s palm in both of his and leaning his forehehead down on them. Hyunwoo struggles a little, and Kihyun lets go of his hand, allowing Hyunwoo to cup his cheek and wipe tears that he hadn’t realized had fallen. He takes a deep, shuddering breath. Hyunwoo is okay. He’s okay. _They’re_ okay.

 

 


End file.
